This is the longest we have ever gone without blogging since we began. The hiatus stemmed from a few causes, all related to our fostering experience:
- a lack of freedom to share openly, since C is not our own;
- a lack of bandwidth and energy, since C was absorbing it all; and
- a lack of anything positive to say because we were really struggling to love C sacrificially and were realizing we were not going to be able to sustain fostering him long term.
Boom, there it is: I no longer think of myself as a Super Parent (if you know me, you already knew that, but in my prideful heart I thought I was pretty good). I really, really struggled to love an adorable, neglected child who needed lots of help, lots of time, lots of patience, lots of discipline, and lots of attention. I signed up to do it, and just…miserably failed to emotionally connect with him.
Our love for C took the form of rationally trying to do what was best for him, even though we didn’t feel motivated by our emotions. I think C did learn and grow and become less anxious and enjoy himself during his six months with us. He learned his colors, the alphabet and most of its sounds, how to count to 12, his last name, and hundreds of new words. He learned to use “please” and “thank you,” and that Mr. John and Ms. Abby were in charge, not him. He learned some of the catechism and songs like “This is the Day” and that God made him and loves him very much. He started taking great naps and was improving on controlling his tantrums and eating some healthy foods.
I was helped a lot by this sermon our pastor (also a foster parent) preached that loving like Jesus should cost you; it should be sacrificial. And it did cost the rest of us a whole lot. I put homeschooling on hold. The screens (iPad, TV, etc.) were taking over my kids’ brains. I didn’t get a lot of extra time with Mystery, who fortunately was an incredibly easy baby (God knew that I needed her to be). We went nowhere (John did all the shopping for me), saw no one (C not behaving well enough for playdates), and did nothing fun (except when C was asleep). Personally, I felt totally submerged in survival mode. I felt like I was running a daycare center where the kid never went home. We knew we could not sustain this pattern and stay healthy.
So, in spite of the fact that it can be traumatic for the child, we asked Social Services to find C a new foster home. We had several playdates with the new family—who seem great—and transferred him there after Labor Day weekend. We have heard he is doing well and hasn’t asked about us since his first night there. I wonder what, if anything, he will remember about the House of Gjertsen during the year he turned 3.
Since C moved, my heart—which felt hardened and brittle from meting out tough love constantly—has relaxed and softened again. I spend “foolish” time playing with my baby girl. I read Greek mythology to the boys and watch them build spaceships and program robots. My stress level has dissolved, and I feel like I enjoy being around myself again. There is still that nagging sense of failure, and with it, the questions—why was fostering so hard for me? Did God not give me the strength I needed, or did I not receive it somehow? Did fostering just take every last drop I was given? Am I not cut out to care for foster kids, or was it an anomaly, a personality conflict, or caused by the new baby?
We signed up for this difficult assignment because we wanted to imitate God’s love, especially how He seeks out the fatherless and unloved. We don’t know if we conveyed any of that to C, but our admiration of God’s limitless love for the unworthy has been renewed as our own limits were tested. The experience was humbling, for sure.
Now I get to tell you about my little Mystery!
What a great joy she is! She is fat (wearing 9- and 12-mo. clothes at almost 5 mo.), and healthy, and happy—and to me, perfectly beautiful. She started off looking like Percy, but now looks more like Valor when he was her age. My heart just squeezes with love for her when I see her!
She smiles frequently and sometimes laughs a James-laugh, a “hmmmm!” that only rarely gurgles up into a belly laugh (when Percy dances or Valor raspberries at her). She sucks on two of her fingers to go to sleep and likes to finger a soft blanket while she dozes off. She sleeps through the night from 9 pm to 7 or 8 am and takes 3 naps (about 10-12, 2-3, and 7-8).
She still fits into the Bumbo if I shove her thighs into it, but I have to pry her out with my foot against the chair.
I am having an inordinate amount of fun getting her dressed every day, and I think more about her outfits (which she outgrows quickly) than I think about my own. My occupational therapist friend Kelly says she is a genius because she weight-shifted and unilaterally reached for a toy. But I will say that she is getting good at grabbing and seems close to sitting up by herself. She loves to bounce in her bouncer, and she can really get it jumping.
Baby Maybe: Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad(ly). For a while I felt guilty that I loved her so instantly and so immensely, and felt so little towards C in comparison. I guess sometimes love is hard, and sometimes it is easy. May God reshape and enlarge our hearts to be more like His.
YEAHHHHHHHH!!!! Fostering is very similar to having a step-child. Let me just say that God graces us with unique being for different seasons some longer than others. That time you had C was just enough time to transition him to his rightful place, HE uniquely marvels with his plan which is never wrong. Love seeing the family!! Much Love!! Winnie Palmer Nurse follower…
She’s adorable and I love that she laughs like James I’m sure that brings Precious Memories Back to You
Abby, your family is beautiful and look like they are thriving. How wonderful to enjoy each of them and your delight in them is a great thing to see. You were there when C really needed you to be and now he will be where he really should be for this time. Blesses on you and yours.
Oh my goodness… I am so happy to see an update! I’ve followed your blog since Sweet Baby James, and have thought of your sweet family a lot this summer!
We were foster parents for 3 years, until last year, while we raised our little ones too. I thought it’d be so easy to add just one or two more, since we were already in the throes of parenting young children and we were good parents. We did devotionals, story time, I sang every night, I excelled at homeschooling, we did weekly movie nights and regular trips to the park and zoo. We had time and room to spare, and I wanted to bless a less fortunate child with my good parenting. I was not prepared mentally or emotionally, and I don’t think anyone can be, for parenting a child you don’t love and sometimes don’t even like.
Out of the 14 children that came, 5 of which were with us for a year, I instantly connected with and even loved 4. Love came eventually for the rest, though it wasn’t exactly the same as the love I felt for those that I connected better with right off the bat. There was one though that thinking about her, and her time with us, and who I was with her, I still am overcome with a mixture of feelings that involve stress, panic, resentment, and guilt. She was hard. The bond was hard. Parenting was hard. And after a year when she moved back home we experienced real ptsd. We all gave her everything we had, and then we had to give more. She needed, demanded it, could not function without it. In retrospect I should have disrupted before it had ruined us so bad.
I am definitely a changed person since fostering. Not as perfect. I never collected our homeschooling game quite back to what it was before fostering, but then again there are other factors that play into that. I had wanted to give other kids the perfect parent that I was, and felt so inadequate when I couldn’t give them that. However, fostering brought me to my knees more than anything else in my life. I needed God more than ever, it was a humbling experience.
After that one difficult placement we become pregnant since we didn’t think we would be fostering anymore. I was 2 months pregnant when a call came while we were supposed to be “on a break”. A baby girl was being released from the hospital and came straight to our home. One look at her and I knew, in a way that I never once experienced with the 13 previous placements, that she was our child. I gave birth 8 months later to a girl, than adopted our precious girl 2 months after that. (It was an expedited adoption case).
We originally fostered to help kiddos, but I just had a feeling that somewhere, sometime, there was a child that was meant to be mine and I was going to follow this journey that God led me on. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about how blessed I am with two beautiful babies. Now toddlers, hence the lack of excellent homeschooling with my older two.
Oh my I’ve gone off on a tangent… all of to say you are not alone in your experiences, and that it’s not always like that. Just like people you meet at work or on the street, you click better with some than others. I don’t know if you will ever foster again, but my prayers are with you!
NOW, what I REALLY wanted to say is, what a beautiful and precious baby she is! I just smiled at every picture, and she looks so much like Valor!
Thank you for sharing your story with the world, and these pictures of your precious family! If you ever feel up to adding me on FB, please do. My profile picture is my cat. If not, no worries. I don’t usually read blogs but this one I have just kept coming back to to check up on. God Bless!
I have been reading your blog for many years and usually read your blogs with a smile on my face.
I don’t know what training you received prior to fostering but dealing with children who have experienced trauma is incredibly challenging and completely different to normal parenting. I am a social worker and I parent and interact with my own child very differently to how I interact with children who have experienced trauma.
I think it takes a really humble and big person to say when something did not work out the way then had envisioned it to and I really admire you for that. I work with children who have experienced immense trauma and I know I couldn’t foster.
All I can really say is, thank goodness you let that little boy go to another foster home because with feelings you had and the way you have spoken about him, it was not in his best interest to be in your home. And yes, I have been a foster parent and do know what it takes, but I can say that I have never thought things that you have written about on a foster child. I really hope that C is in a home that loves him and he can thrive. Maybe there is a reason he hasn’t asked about you all. Sorry, but this is how I feel.
I totally understand where you’re coming from. It’s also tricky blogging about this subject when there are all kinds of privacy concerns, etc. Anyway, it’s easier to throw ourselves under the bus than it is to throw C under the bus, but the reason he hasn’t asked about us is the same reason he didn’t really ever ask us about his actual parents. Unfortunately, the trauma of his earliest years made him resist attachment.
John and Abbey I admire your bravery and honesty in this post so much. I am 7 years into a fostering journey that I can only in short describe as difficult and unrewarding. I have tried to wear many different hats to adapt to the situation but I’m not sure that other than providing food and shelter I have made any positive difference at all. The emotional cost however has been immense and I completely identify with your disappointment at things not working out the way you pictured. I hope that C finds his place in this world and I know that your renewed focus and energy will benefit your 3 blessings immensely.