bursting bubbles

It’s been too long since we’ve opened a window to our House. A lot of that time was because I didn’t know what to say. Let me start from where we left off.

First, thanks to everyone who encouraged us after we said we were thinking about adoption. In May, God sent us some friends who are also hoping to adopt, and we eagerly pumped them for all the information we could get. Then followed a little over a month of research into international and domestic adoptions. As well as some serious excavation of the mucky sins that were hiding in the bottom of my heart. Here are some of the ugly creatures of my pit:

• I thought I loved “the nations,” but that turns out to just be in the abstract. When it comes to picking out which ones I want to adopt from, I only seem to want what looks familiar.
• I am afraid to have another special needs child. I feel entitled to a healthy, whole kid.
• I wish adoption were quick and inexpensive, like having a baby if we were a “normal” couple with health coverage. I want a quick fix that will speed me on my way to my “ideal family.”
• I feel humiliated that we have to reveal every aspect of our personal lives (medical conditions, body mass index, finances, parenting philosophy to name a few) to strangers who will decide if we’re “worthy” to adopt.
• I don’t want countries or agencies checking up on my parenting for years after the adoption. No one does that to normal families.
• I am getting older! I need to get my family in place pronto! I don’t have time to pray and wait, I need to act!
• I just don’t want to walk this path!  I want a family the easy way, like everyone else! {pout}

All of these ugly attitudes and fears, and more, reared their heads as we started investigating adoption. Gently God has dragged me out of each pit I fall into. Our adoption buddies lent us their copy of Russell Moore’s Adopted for Life, and God has used it to reveal and gently deal with our profound selfishness, pride, and lack of faith in Him. I am like Jonah getting mad at the loss of the shade-giving vine, the little privileges that aren’t even mine to claim, when God’s focus is on the redemptive process of bringing an orphan into a new family.

Every time we got discouraged, which was frequently, we read another chapter of Adopted for Life to rekindle our determination. It also helped us appreciate more of the glory of our adoption through Christ. This is one of my favorite passages from the book:

“Imagine for a moment that you’re adopting a child. As you meet with the social worker in the last stage of the process, you’re told that this twelve-year-old has been in and out of psychotherapy since he was three. He persists in burning things and attempting repeatedly to skin kittens alive. He ‘acts out sexually,’ the social worker says, although she doesn’t really fill you in on what that means. She continues with a little family history. This boy’s father, grandfather, great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather all had histories of violence, ranging from spousal abuse to serial murder. Each of them ended life the same way, death by suicide—each found hanging from a rope of blankets in his respective prison cell.

Think for a minute. Would you want this child? If you did adopt him, wouldn’t you keep your eye on him as he played with your other children? Would you watch him nervously as he looks at the butcher knife on the kitchen table? Would you leave the room as he watched a movie on television with your daughter, with the lights out?

Well, he’s you. And he’s me. That’s what the gospel is telling us. Our birth father has fangs. And left to ourselves, we’ll show ourselves to be as serpentine as he is” (29).

To think God adopted us in our vile condition and gave us all the privileges of sons and heirs! It’s an breathtaking new view of the “old gospel story” for me. And it makes me want to be more like Him, my adoptive Father.

We were a couple days away from “pulling the trigger” when a new discovery brought us up short. Most, maybe all, international adoption agencies will terminate your application (without refund) if you become pregnant during the adoptive process. This is very difficult to understand from our perspective, since we view our pregnancies as miracles and all babies as wanted, whether adoptive or biological. We had thought we could pursue both concurrently (which might sound crazy if you don’t know us) since there’s a good chance we will not have another healthy biological child anyway. But we had to choose one or the other to pursue right now.

We decided we are not ready to give up on the biological side of things until we know more from our genetic tests. Our DNA is being analyzed, and we hope to get the results in late September. James’s DNA is also being analyzed at the NIH, coincidentally, for another research study they are doing. Please pray that his blood’s CGH-array test is successful because it failed the first time they tried it. If it works, then the NIH will share James’s DNA results with us so we can compare them to ours and Carolina’s. It will be like a family reunion of sorts. And it might answer a lot of questions.

Regardless of the genetic tests, we are still hoping to adopt in the future. And we heartily commend Moore’s book. It will really get you stoked about adoption and the gospel.

So what else is going on at the House? We found a new church: a huge answer to prayer! Our previous church here in New Bern had an excellent pastor, and we met some great friends there, but the one we’re going to now is a closer fit for us: elder-led and passionate about worshiping God and reaching the lost. One Harbor is a beach-town church (the nursery is called Hang 10 and Valor is a “Mini Boogie Board”), only two years old, and an hour away from us in Morehead City. It’s a challenge to be involved without being exactly “local,” but we are excited about the opportunities to minister to young believers and reach out to non-believers. On Sunday they baptized 12 new Christians, mostly aged 20-30. On the drives to and from, we enjoy long talks and good books, currently The Hunger Games trilogy, which we are reading aloud. Valor is a good listener in the backseat, too. Here he is wiped out after church:

Speaking of Valor, I could tell you a thousand wonderful things about him every day. Here are a few things that come to mind: This morning he told me he had a happy dream about Jesus. He speaks very clearly, even in sentences like “Valor do it!” and “Garbage can fall down!” but there are a few words that aren’t quite up to standard English pronunciation. Strawberry comes out “bobby-oh,” blueberry is “boobie,” and banana is “my-NA-nuh!”

He repeatedly splits his bottom lip open when he wipes out, often because he trips over his security blanket, which he calls “Green Mimi” or “Bubbles” for its dotted surface. He has a “funny walk” routine where he bends over and cranes his neck backwards, and a mischievous grin when he is being silly that reminds me of our friend Nathan Li. He is able to count to 15, can usually identify the numerals 0-10, and is stumbling through the alphabet song, months after he learned the letters and their sounds.

He is memorizing his first complete Bible verse, “Every word of God proves true ” (Prov. 30:5a). A couple months ago I asked him what he did at church, and his response was “Goldfish. Moses. Animal crackers.” I thought that was a pretty spiritual answer until last week I figured out that “Moses” was actually his attempt at “marshmallows.” He loves pretend cooking (Easter eggs are a common ingredient), books, drawing with crayons, watching Cars 2 clips and trailers, and is passionately devoted to dump trucks, tractors, and all heavy farm/construction equipment.

The other day he alerted me to his “cupcake pants,” so maybe potty training is on the radar. He can get out of the bathtub by himself now. He can get up and down stairs without holding onto anything. This morning he saw himself reflected in his spoon and said, “me.” He is upset to see a picture of Mommy and Daddy that predates him, shaking his head and saying in a hurt voice, “No Valor!”

For the Fourth we took a road trip down to Tallahassee to see “Guh-gah” and Papa. Valor was more than a little sad to discover no “gingerman” or Christmas tree waiting for him. What he did get were two doting grandparents. We got to visit two of my cousins and the newest additions to my extended family (twin second cousins). And John was happy because he finally got to play bridge with physical entities instead of internet opponents.

So there’s your update on what’s happening at our House—the good, the bad, and the ugly. But it’s all ultimately working for our good in the hands of a loving God. We’ll leave you with this video we took from our road trip. (If you like it, say so in the comments so John will do this more often!)