We first found out about you in early January. A lot of people around the world were celebrating the commencement of a new year, and we were anxious to know if a pregnancy test would reveal another child for us in 2011. We were so excited and thankful when, after months of unfulfilled hopes, we discovered your eternal soul had been created.
We started by telling your brother Valor all about you, and where you were, and how he was going to help us by being a big brother. He was frequently confused about whose abdomen was carrying you—sometimes it was mine, sometimes his own—but he was unmistakably aware that there was a baby on the way, and he seemed pretty happy about it. Eventually we told others: a few people got jigsaw puzzles with the news on the back, and then I made up a little hidden wordplay puzzle in a blog post that a few people solved. That wonderful feeling when you’ve solved a puzzle and found something secret is my strange way of sharing with others the joy I feel in being your daddy. We started thinking about your nursery and anticipated often how your arrival would affect our family.
Today we found out that you are a girl.
But just before that we found out that your fifteen-week-old heart was no longer beating.
All the flutters and kicks your mother felt over the past week have been phantoms. Your mommy and I are now in Pitt Memorial Hospital in Greenville. It’s a new place for us, but it’s a tearfully familiar routine: We’re waiting for the arrival of your precious and fragile body, and remembering that your actual person has already gone on far ahead of us.
I’d have loved to have been your daddy a lot longer. But in the short time we have to say goodbye to you today, I thought I’d tell you a little bit about your name.
“Carolina” is a very old name for us, something we had picked out for a girl long before we moved to North Carolina. It was before Valor, and before Dora, and even before James. The name “Carolina” was actually our front-runner girl name back when your crazy parents were infertile and thought being proactive with making lists of names would somehow help us through the despondency.
When they hear this, some of my friends are going to think this has something to do with Tarheel basketball. Others are going to assume, naturally, that it has to do with our relocation to New Bern a year ago. But this is why we’ve named you Carolina:
36 years ago, I was born in Watts Hospital in Durham, NC. The hospital was later closed, and became a residential high school, the North Carolina School of Science & Mathematics. This is your namesake. (We thought you would prefer “Carolina” over “Science.”) It’s your namesake because it was here that I was born—not 36 years ago at Watts, but later when I returned as a student at NCSSM.
The school was an incubator for human achievement, an institution focused on honing intellectual acuity. But though my mind was well-prepared to solve puzzles and pass tests, it was shamefully sick and unequipped from a moral perspective, wandering aimlessly and pursuing self-glorifying ambitions. My heart was perverse and destructive and regularly sought evil under a disguise of innocence. I fooled many people, but mostly myself. It was through some friends at this school that I heard who Jesus was: a perfect specimen of humanity who willingly embraced his own death as a justice-satisfying substitute for the death that I deserved. This was not the “good person Jesus” or “moral teacher Jesus” I had heard about growing up, but authentic, historically-reliable, “rescue-agent Jesus” speaking to me personally. I echo what the apostle Paul wrote to Timothy: “But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.” (1 Tim 1:16)
Which brings me to your middle name. Your mother and I believe you know this Jesus, and that you’re in his presence even now. But you may not know much about this word “grace,” which is basically deserving eternal suffering but receiving an eternal reward instead. I remember with great wonder how profane and unrighteously I acted as God’s enemy, and how mysteriously and undeservedly he endured the cross to win me as his friend. We who are forgiven much love much (Luke 7:36-50). Though there is some measure of comfort in knowing you’re already home, I had wanted you to have a testimony like both your parents: sinners who have tasted grace.
We love you, Carolina. Greet the rest of the family for us while we stay here a little longer.
Love,
Daddy
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Strength and love in this difficult time.
John & Abby,
When I read this I felt my body go numb.
I’m so sorry for your loss, heaven’s gain. So very sorry. Tears flow. I pray for God’s healing comfort for you both once again.
Love,
Renée
Dear followers of Christ, Esther and I are both grieving over your loss and rejoicing in your testimony at the same time. Please know that our prayers are with you and your family. Authentic Christianity is difficult to find in 2011, even in the church, however, it shines brightly as a beacon to all who have had the precious gift to know you. We cannot pretend to know the emotions that you ate experiencing, but pray that the peace that passes all understanding will comfort your souls as you walk through the coming days. We eagerly anticipate seeing you soon, and will continue to lift you up to Him! Oh, how sweet the reunion will be when we all arrive in the eternal city of our Home to be reunited with all of our family! Thank you for your vibrant testimony that continually challenges us to live more Godward lives while we still tread here. Grace and peace to your home and hearts. J and E
John and Abby,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Alan and I are praying for you.
Love,
Bonnie
John & Abby,
We are so, so sorry for your loss. Knowing that words can not even begin to convey our feelings, we are praying for you all.
Love,
Joyce & Paul
Dear John and Abby,
Oh, our hearts are breaking for you this morning. I cried while reading your beautiful post above. We are so saddened to hear of the loss of precious Carolina Grace and wish we could be there to hug you both. Please know that you are in our prayers. We are so encouraged by the strength and power of your testimony to the beauty of God’s grace and all-sufficiency. We know He is holding precious Carolina in His mighty and loving arms and look forward to the day when we will have the honor of meeting her in person.
Our love to you all,
Jud and Michelle
John and Abby,
When Crystal burst into the room this morning to tell me the news my heart dropped. We are both so sorry that your cautious hopes were not realized. We too were looking forward to seeing Carolina on a future trip to NB. We cannot know or fully understand what you are going through as a family but know that we love you and will pray with you as requested.
Chris
Abby and John,
I am so saddened by your loss of sweet Carolina Grace. My prayers are with you all.
Kai
So sad and sorry for your loss.
Love,
Craig & Marnie
John & Abby,
We are so terribly sorry to hear about precious Carolina Grace! Words cannot express how our hearts are aching and the tears are flowing with you guys! You are two of the most committed Christians we know and we love your family so dearly! Lifting you up to the Throne continuously asking our gracious Father to draw you ever so close to Him and that He will be the lifter of your heads and give you comfort and peace that can only come from Him.
With Much Love,
The Cyr family
I have followed your story since shortly after James passed on. But this is the first post. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart break for the two of you and Valor. I hope that you find peace and comfort. Again I am so so very sorry.
~Sam
John and Abby,
What a beautiful post about a beautiful baby! We are heartbroken that we will not be able to see Carolina in the way that we’d prayed for, but smile when we imagine her tenderly cradled in the arms of Jesus! You are such a special family to us, and we will be praying for joy, peace, and some answers in the days to come. Carolina is such a beautiful name that is perfect for this beautiful baby!
Love and prayer,
Fred and Lisa
Dear Abby and John,
We are grieving your loss with you. We love you.
Aunt Lurine
Oh, my sweet loved ones, how my heart breaks with you! John, thank you for finding the stregth and courage to share with us about your love and sorrow over such a little one. Abby, I cannot fathom the joy and pain you have experienced over the past few weeks — please know you are loved and continually upheld in prayer.
A verse that has been constantly given to me this week as been Isaiah 41:10 – “Fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” I wasn’t sure why this verse would be so important until today. Cling to God’s promises — he will give you the peace and comfort you need.
Rest with Jesus, sweet Carolina Grace. Someday your Mommy and Daddy will be able to hug you and your other siblings. Tell my brother Josh that I said “hi”.
My heart was so saddened to come upon your post this morning; Jared and I will keep you guys in our prayers today.
May grace, peace, and comfort surround you this week,
Juliana
Jason and I are both so saddened by your loss. You have been through so much and have remained so strong. Sending love and strength to you both.
Maggie and Jason
Dear Friends,
Reading this sad news immediately made my heart sink. Your family is such a strong testimony of faith and commitment to our God to me personally, and I will be praying with you in Spirit during this storm for deeper strength, mercy, and grace in your lives.
Dear John and Abby,
What sweet sweet words from a father to his baby girl. My heart is broken for you… we weep with those who weep. May you feel his presence oh so near. We love you.
Carrie and Dan Humbert
John, what a special touching tribute to your baby girl. My heart is grieving with you and Abby during this sad time. May the Lord keep you close to Himself and surround you both with loving care since we are all so far away…
John, Abby and Valor.
Paul and I send each of you love and prayers to help soften the pain in your heart.
Kay and Paul
Hello John and Abby,
Myself and a friend stumbled across your blog about sweet baby James a while ago, and have followed you ever since. I’ve never posted any comments before, but I wanted to finally reach out and say that I really feel for your family, and I’m so terribly sorry to hear about your loss of that precious new child. I hope that having Valor is enough to keep your spirits up and to keep up your brave fight to have the family you’ve always wanted. I know you’ll have it someday, and can look back on all this and know that through trials and tribulations that you’ve still lived a good life.
My thoughts are with you.
-Michele
Dear John and Abby,
Words can not express how deeply I ache with you at the loss of Carolina Grace. Thank you for sharing this special tribute to May our awesome God comfort you in amazing ways today.
Love across the miles,
Ted & Kathy
John and Abby,
This post both broke my heart and inspired me. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Your faith and testimony are such an inspiration to me. May you feel comfort and peace through this harrowing time.
My first post was to share in your happiness when you announced her pregnancy, and this one is to tell you that my heart is breaking for your loss. Even though I’ve never met you and probably never will, I’m sending peace your way during this very sad time.
I love you guys ;_; I’ll definitely be saying prayers for y’all tonight!
Dear Abby and John,
what to say? My heart and thoughts are with you and precious Carolina Grace. May God grant you peace and hope! In manus tuas, Pater…
John, Abby and Valor ~ so saddened. Prayers sent to you from Chesterland. There are 3 very, very special angels to watch over you.
I just happened to come over here to check up on you guys today…amazing how God knows where we should go in our lives. Truly saddened and deeply praying for you all in the Gjertsen house. Your faith and spirits are stronger than I have ever seen. It’s hard to remind ourselves that “our story” has already been written when these moments happen, but you have eloquently wrote to all of us.
Dear John and Abby,
We are so sorry to hear of your loss today. I was shocked and felt inadequate in my inability to help. We’ve been praying for you throughout the day and trust our sweet Saviour has brought you peace and comfort that comes only from Him. On my home from work, as you were on my mind, I smiled in hopes that I will be introduced to Carolina Grace when we reach that great land (the new heaven) where there is no more tears, no more pain, no more death, no more darkness and no more distance between us and the Creator God.
We will continue to lift you up in prayer.
With love,
Wendy & John
It’s hard to know what to say. Prayers and love for your family.
I’m so, so, so sorry. Carolina is a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.
This is a household full of sadness right now for the Gjertsen’s. Our hearts are breaking… We love you so much & have you in our thoughts & prayers.
This is a house full of sadness right now for the Gjertsen’s. Our hearts are breaking. We love you all so much & keep you in our thoughts & prayers.
John & Abby,
Our hearts are hurting for you… We pray you feel His presence every which way.
She has such a lovely name, precious Carolina Grace. You write such beautiful letters to your children. We love you and are praying fo you.
Toni and Joe Sullivan
Dear John and Abby,
Our hearts are breaking for you here at the M home. Wish we could give you both a big hug! Your “grieving, but not as those without hope” is a testimony to so many. We love you guys!
Chuck and Pam
I’m so sorry for your loss. Carolina Grace is a beautiful name.
Oh, my. What a grief. How can it be yet again that you are in the valley of the shadow. Praying that the Man of Sorrows acquainted with grief accompanies you every step of the way as He has in the past. I love and miss you and your family.
Oh no…more tears. I’m so sorry, John, Abby and Valor. What a beautiful name; I love that it repeats your testimony. Thank you for sharing its significance. May your story continue to give testimony to our Lord’s extravagant grace.
Dear John, Abby, and Valor,
I was so honored to meet your sweet James one Sunday evening over ice cream. It was his last Sunday on earth.
Grieving with you and praying for you over the loss of Carolina Grace. Hearts hurting.
JoAnna
John, Abby and Valor,
I was so sorry and sad to read this. I wish I could hug your necks and grieve with you face to face, but please know my thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Loving y’all all the way from Texas,
Katy
We really grieve for you two and wish we were closer. The kids too were really sad. Chris and Laura
I am so sorry. John and Abby, I’m crying for you, and praying, and I just ask our father to hold you even closer. I know you can’t wait until your whole family is together — you two, James, Dora, Valor, and Carolina. And we’ll get to meet them all too! But until then, it’s so hard — we love you, and we’re so sorry. Hang in there.
My words fail me so I turn to a greater writer:
1 Thessalonians 4:13-14
13 “Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.”
Hebrews 1:14
14 “Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?”
Psalms 4:8
8 “I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety.”
John, Abby and Valor, I pray you will feel a special touch and feel an understanding that God’s time is always perfect though we do not understand. Today, Carolina Grace is in paradise. I know your loss times three and these are the thoughts that sustain me. May they bless you and ease your hearts.
Sent with much love and prayer.
Heartbroken to hear of your sweet baby girl. Prayers for you all
Dear John, Abby, and Valor,
Julia forwarded John’s beautiful letter to Carolina Grace. It is a beautiful epitaph that was uplifting as I read it. I know you are “walking through the valley” and that sorrow is acutely painful. I also know that you are held tight by an abiding faith that will see you through this time. God bless you and know my tears and prayers are with you. Love Gail Hanson
So truly sorry to hear about Carolina Grace; you are all in my thoughts and prayers. May the Lord bless you and keep you.
Dear John, Abby and Valor:
Oh, my heart aches for all of you, on the loss of Carolina Grace. Grace was my grandmother’s name, and I never got to meet her, but when I was confirmed in the Catholic Church, I chose Grace as my confirmation name. One, to honor her; two, as a request for God’s continued grace in my life.
James, Dora and Carolina will always watch over you and protect you. They are three very special angels in your lives.
Salann
Hey guys,
Chris left the other comment above. I have been too upset to write until now.
This Sunday in church as we sang a beautiful song about God’s grace, I thought about your Grace and just stood before Him worshipping.
We greive with you,
Laura
I am so sorry. Your little family will be very much in my thoughts – all six of you xxxxx
John,
I just wanted to tell you that I am praying for you and your family. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
Kelli