Today is Valor’s seven-month birthday, but this post isn’t about him (he’s doing fine, full of Luh Luh Luhs and Buh Buh Buhs, eating everything he’s been offered as well as things he shouldn’t eat, like paper napkins).
As we prepare to leave Orlando (in a week and a half), we’ve been discussing what to do about James’s ashes. A couple months ago we were sure we would have them removed from their niche at the cemetery and take them with us if we ever moved. Then, when I found out how much it cost to “disinurn” them ($600), John balked at the cost. We are trying to sell his niche on Craigslist (if there is a better forum for selling cemetery niches let us know), but until it sells, he didn’t want to pay more to get the ashes out.
I have gone back and forth. At first I felt like we were abandoning and neglecting him by not taking his ashes with us. But then I keep telling myself, it’s not really James anyway, it’s just some physical remains, so where it is doesn’t really matter–God’s still going to raise him at the last day regardless. I have a thousand mementos of James that mean more to me than that little blue urn with the train on it, and they are all coming with me. (The other day I found an insulin syringe and a copy of “Special Ops for James,” the document I made describing how to mix his insulin (before the pump), how to mix his growth hormone, and what to do if he went into hypoglycemic shock. These instructions were to be my brain when my brain was not available due to absence or sheer panic. It brought back echoes of that time with a dull wrench. I have forgotten so much, including the pressing intensity of his daily needs.)
Then I think of how his whole life was lived here in Orlando, and how fitting it is for him to stay here. His spot is beautiful, a mixture of shade and sunshine, and he has gained new neighbors in the nearby niches that maybe would miss Sweet Baby James if he left. And what would we do with the urn in NC, anyway? We wouldn’t put it back into another niche due to the cost, but I don’t want to display it on my mantel or anything like that either. I’d rather look at photos of his life.
My best friend Susan said she’d look after his place here and make sure his flowers and photos stay spiffy. Yet I am reluctant and ashamed to give that rite of remembrance to someone else, even Susan, who loved James like he was her own. It’s an emotional decision, but we have decided that his ashes will stay near his home here unless someone buys his spot.
After James died, a friend lent me the book A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss by Gerald L. Sittser. A drunk driver killed his mother, wife, and daughter in one accident, leaving him to raise his remaining children alone. I didn’t finish the whole thing, but there were a few quotes that really resonated with my experience.
“The darkness persisted for a long time; it persists even to this day as I discover new dimensions of the loss… But that is only half the story. The decision to face the darkness, even if led to overwhelming pain, showed me that the experience of loss itself does not have to be the defining moment of our lives. Instead, the defining moment can be our response to the loss. It is not what happens to us that matters as much as what happens in us.
[T]hough I experienced death, I also experienced life in ways that I never thought possible before–not after the darkness, as we might suppose, but in the darkness. I did not go through pain and come out the other side; instead, I lived in it and found within that pain the grace to survive and eventually grow. I did not get over the loss of my loved ones; rather, I absorbed the loss into my life, like soil receives decaying matter, until it became a part of who I am. Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it. I learned gradually that the deeper we plunge into suffering, the deeper we can enter into a new, and different, life—a life no worse than before and sometimes better.”
Perhaps the most difficult part about moving is going to a new place where the people will never know our story in the way our friends here do: years of infertility, James’s life of deep disappointments and huge tiny victories, Dora’s miscarriage, his loss, and the miraculous gift of a healthy “Number Three.” To them Valor will seem like Number One (with a very presumptuous name at that), and if they ever see James, it will only be on a computer screen or photograph.
I don’t want to lose the taste of that difficult season, even though it may just sound like a generic sad story, cheapened by a condensed retelling, to someone who meets us now. (How can I possibly describe the intensity of our time with James in a few minutes?) I am trying to remember that we carry the joys, tears, and pain of James and Dora within us, that our hearts have been enlarged through suffering, and that we have survived and grown through loss in a way that has defined our lives forever.
We’re packing the moving truck on Easter Sunday after church…Happy Resurrection Day to everyone if we don’t get another post up by then!
I just wanted to say that I think you are a beautiful family. You will truly be missed by many and I didnt get the opportunity to know you well but feel blessed to know of you. I pray your new adventures bring you joy and happiness. Your new neighbors and friends will bask in the joy you bring into their lives.
God bless,
Rhonda Gregorich
I never know what to say, since your posts are so beautiful. But I can imagine, though hazily, how hard it will be to start over with people who don’t know, and aren’t part of, your history. I’m praying for a smooth move, and an easy transition, and friends who will love you and understand as much as they can, and a church to embrace and be embraced by.
And although it’s looking less and less like we’ll see you anytime soon (although if you’re ever in PA PLEASE drop by), I can’t wait to see you both, and meet Valor and James, at the great Resurrection Day to come!
Happy Easter!
You are bringing us blog-lurkers with you. (and you didn’t even have to find a box to put us in)
Those of us who have been pearing into your lifes and thoughts quietly. Those of us who pray for you and your family and will never meet you.
Cyber friends who do know your story.
You may be going to a place no one knows James/Dora or your story, however we out here in lurkerland do. Its been a privilage and a humbling experience to quietly watch God’s work in your lifes.
You are not leaving James. That heavy feeling you get in your heart is his weight. He will be with you always. God called him and asked him to do His work right there. That is his earthly home.
Someday when your dropping Valor off at his college dorm, you will feel the same feelings you are feeling now. It doesn’t get any easier.
I have three brothers who died as babies. Their ashes are in the ocean. My mama wanted them close to us no matter where we were on the planet. I have always liked that.
James won’t suddenly disappear from your lifes just because no one where you moving to knows him or his story.
This new place is a great oppertunity to do more of His work. A new feild to sew seeds in. A place for Valors story to unfold and a chance for God to use him to reach other souls. Just as He used James.
It will be okay…to leave your son. After all didn’t He also?
peace be the journey
Paja
Wow. I had not even thought of James’ ashes. We’ll see what God has in mind over the next week or so. Your memories of James will always be fresh in your minds and if you need to “reminisce” with those of us who also will always remember him, you can talk with US anytime! 🙂
I loved seeing the picture of James again.
Agreed with what Dogdancing said. Y’all will still have us, courtesy of the web 🙂
I definitely hear you about James’ ashes, too. I’m of the belief that both he & Dora are still with y’all in spirit, but that’s just me.
Good luck with packing, and Happy Easter/Resurrection Day in advance 🙂
I wanted to ask you about James’ ashes and what you were going to do. Abby, I think you are doing the right thing. i can’t pretend to understand, or to know how I would feel, but in my heart, i know it’s the right decision.
Also, this post completely sums up what we were talking about the other day. i’m SOOOO proud of you!!!!!!!!!
Please email me (when you get the chance) and let us know where james’ ashes are. I promise we’ll go visit and spend some time.
I completely agree with Dogdancing…
I know it is hard to start over in a new place, but you still have us! We know what you have gone through, and although we do not know you physically, we do know how big your hearts are.
I also think that James and Dora are with you, and looking after their mom and dad and little brother. I can not put myself in your shoes, but I imagine how hard it must be for you, but I think you are doing the right thing.
Happy Easters and good luck moving!
Love,
Sabrina from Argentina
I just wanted to tell you that I stumbled upon sweetbabyjames.info about a month ago..and I have read it from the very beginning…to your latest update here. Your story really touched my heart. I wanted to tell you a bit about my story. I have never been able to concieve so I became a foster parent..I had 2 healthy kids and then a year later I got my daughters sister. She was born with 3 holes in her heart, genetic anomolies, 1 bone in her left arm..along with other things. My sweet baby daughter…Cathrynne Louise..aka Catie or Cay-Cay for short. Catie was born on October 20, 2007. I brought her home at 2 weeks old on a constant heart moniter. She was in the hospital every month it seemed with health problems. She had OT, ST, and PT. she wore a helmet because her skull was overlapping, she wore hand braces to help her hands develop, and she wore a vest to help her learn to sit up (I still have everything!) January 2009 (after celebrating her 1st birthday 10-20-08 with her own pumpkin shaped cake) she had her first open heart surgery then on April 28th she went back to the Children’s hosptial of Detroit and on May 14th she went in for her 2nd open heart surgery ( I stayed at the Ronald McDonald house both times!) Sadly, on May 15th 2009 Catie went to be with Jesus. that was the most heart wrenching pain I will ever have to live through..and would never, ever wish on anyone. I stayed in her room holding her lifeless body for 4 hours or longer..singing to her, kissing her, and knowing she was with Jesus, where she didn’t have to hurt, wasn’t afraid of stethescopes (lol), and could walk, talk, and hold stuff with both hands. eventually I had to walk out of the room and leave my precious baby behind. On May 20th (she would have been 15 months old that day) we had her service and buried her. But I have comfort knowing she is with Jesus, along with relatives I have had to say goodbye too and that I will see her again. Her and James were very close in age..and it also brings me comfort thinking, they are playing together, running, and singing for Jesus. Thank you so much for the blog..it has touched me deeply and I will be a permenant follower. I feel like I know you all just reading about you. Good luck in your move and more fun times with Valor! I have my 7 year old adopted daughter and 4 year old son (well he will be 4 on Good Friday!), but we will never forget Cay-Cay and now James and Dora!
Through the lives of James and Dora, the Lord has used your family to bear much fruit for Him, I believe. I would guess that the number of lives that have been changed through the sharing of your faith while walking through these challenging years is far reaching. I love you all and will miss you “being in town” dearly. 🙂
Abby, thanks again for spending some time with us last week amidst all of your moving preparations. It was great to see you and Valor! Johnny G, I guess we’ll just have to bring the Newsboys video up with us next time we’re up in the NC area!
Love you guys,
Marnie
I, like Tonya, hadn’t even thought about James’ ashes. And as I read this post (as much as I love little Mr. Valor “Smiley Baby” as Greg just referred to him) I really do miss Baby James.
My first thoughts when I heard you guys were moving were how your hearts would react to leaving James. But as you both know James will be going with you–he is still in your hearts and will travel there with you always to be remembered.
By now you guys are probably there in New Bern. I hope things go well for you as you begin this new journey. Much love!!!
Don’t worry about James. He’ll be able to find you wherever you are- God will see to that. And anyone with a touch of humanity will be touched by your story. By the way, looking at these old James pics next to more recent ones of Valor, am I the only one who totally thinks they look like brothers? They have the same adorable features!
Maybe there is something to the fact, that when I looked up New Bern on the map, nearby is James City.
May you find peace and happiness in NC and take comfort in those that even though they never met James or you have read your story.