John has been so busy that I had to spend time yesterday catching up on my own blog. Whew. Thank you so much to everyone who has stopped by to comment and congratulate us and celebrate Valor’s arrival. Again I say, we are rich in friends.
So here is my version of Valor’s birth and some of his early days.
On Thursday, we couldn’t sleep, so we got up at about 2:30 and made some more preparations before leaving for the hospital. Pastor Curt met us there and prayed for us all before we checked in. I felt pretty relaxed, having had a c-section before, and of course considerably less worried about the baby this time. We chatted with the pre-op nurse and nurse anesthetist, and John thought he recognized the nurse anesthetist from James’s delivery. She said no, her name was not in his records, so it must be someone who looked like her. As we talked about James, though, she suddenly said, “Are you the hope for the childproof family?!” (which was our first blog about infertility and also where we started blogging James’s story before we got the sweetbabyjames domain). She had not only assisted with James’s delivery, she actually remembered it and had also followed our blog afterwards. It was just the first time that day that James and Valor crossed paths in someone’s memory. It was a joyful thing.
We started naming all the NICU nurses we knew, and soon the pre-op nurse got on the phone with the NICU and a couple of James’s old friends, Barb (the venipuncture specialist of the “hard stick” babies) and Carla (RT), breezed into the operating room with excitement and energy. I don’t think they were scheduled for our delivery, because when someone else showed up for duty a couple minutes later, they waved him off and explained that “these are our friends.”
By this time I had the epidural in, my legs and tummy were numb, and John had donned the yellow hat, robe, and slippers of the dad-to-be. I was rolled onto the table, and to be honest the birth was a fast, joyful, calm experience. It really helps me when the nurses tell me what to expect before it happens, and I had a good narrator in Christine. The burning smell was a little hard, and there was some pushing and tugging, but suddenly we heard the ob-gyn (the same one who delivered James) say, “OK, Dad!” and John was standing up, snapping pictures. He later said he was disappointed he didn’t get to see the baby “come out,” but when he looked at his photos, he got pictures of all of it, so I guess his eyes weren’t processing as fast as his shutter finger. We’ll spare you those where my body parts are visible. Discretion is, after all, the better part of Valor.
I was delighted to hear the sound of his little cries as he coped with the great imposition of birth. It was, again, a strange feeling not to “recognize” or instantly feel connected to the baby. With both my sons I knew they were mine, it’s not like I considered rejecting them (although James looked pretty unusual at birth), but there was no metaphysical connection like love at first sight or destiny or anything. My new hypothesis is that bonding really happens for me when I have eye contact, and at this point babies’ eyes are all scrunched shut, so I just move forward on faith that I’m going to bond, and later I do.
Not only did I get to hold him in the operating room, but as I noted previously, we had time together as a family in the recovery area as well. It was sort of a shock to see Valor putting his hands in his mouth (a feat James greatly desired but never accomplished), lying under an open warmer, and connected to so few wires. He didn’t seem to look a lot like James; he didn’t really look like me in the face, either, although he has long legs and fingers and small ears. Who was this new guy? Was he really ours to keep? Would we get to take him home? I felt awed, happy, and very, very thankful.
I’ll fast forward now to Saturday, when we were cleared to leave a day early in spite of the “dusky drama” chronicled earlier. This might not seem like a big deal to most people, but during the 135 days that James was in the NICU, I saw literally hundreds of new moms pushed out of Winnie Palmer in wheelchairs, proudly clutching their sleeping babies, accompanied by nervous dads carrying the car seat, carts of flowers and luggage, and grandparents fussing and taking pictures. It was hard to watch every day without my eyes filling with tears of disappointment. This ceremonial exit through the water-fountain doorway symbolized an initiation into “normal” parenthood, independent from constant medical interventions, but special needs parents like us never knew that thrill. Hopefully now you can understand why this wheelchair ride with Valor was a very special one for us.
After we got home, I of course overdid it again (see losing it 4/28 after James was born) with trying to get everything put away and situated and so forth, and I was exhausted. I felt alone and overwhelmed. I knew the first couple weeks with a newborn are supposed to be very hard, and I was the only one who could feed him, and on top of that I could not get out of bed or stand up from a chair without a lot of struggle and pain from the c-section. I wanted someone to tell me how to do it, how to plan? I never had to care for James as a newborn for 24 hours a day, so I didn’t have a paradigm of how to structure the task. Finally I shut myself in the bathroom and prayed. I reminded myself that this was my profession now, to be a full-time mom, and that lots of women have done this before me.
That first night was hard, partly from the reasons above and from the fact that my milk wasn’t in yet and Valor was really hungry. My favorite memory of it is at the last feeding, when I literally could not get out of bed, John brought Valor to me to nurse lying down. It was a sweet time. It’s been easier and easier since as he gets his days and nights straight, increases his appetite and endurance, and begins to organize his sleep and awake time. I think things are going well, and I am healing slowly but surely.
These last two days he’s been more awake than ever before. I love to see those peepers!
He is so very beautifu1, congratulations again. Try to take it easy, right now all you need to do is rest, and feed the baby! Everything else can be done later or by someone else. I know it’s hard to do that but these first days are hard but they will pass quickly. I hope the nursing goes well for you. I had a lot of problems but thanks to a wonderful lactation consultant I am still nursing 20 months later. Best wishes for you all!
what a blessing from a God! with every day, things will fall into their place – with every challenge comes many rewards (those first smiles, coo’s, etc) Get some rest mama – you need it!
What a beautiful story, Abby!!!
Thanks so much for sharing it with us.
The first part of your post just confirms my theory of how loved James was, is and will be.
I imagine how hard this is…you are getting to know each other, and of course, as days pass by, you are feeling more comfortable with this amazing new profession.
Valor is such a special guy, so loved by many people who he never met and from all over the world, even without being born!
As these moms told you…you take good rest when you can. Other things can wait!!
Enjoy this amazing experience!
We are all here waiting to hear about Valor, his smiles, coo’s, uh’s, ah’s and all that is to come.
Keep us updated! Valor might not know it yet, but lots of us are thinking of him and of course, you and John.
Can’t wait to see more pics!
Love
Sabrina
How wonderful! 🙂 I hope you heal quickly and that everything works out with nursing Valor soon. He’s beautiful. Congratulations once again!
Heh. He’s so gorgeous.
In New Zealand, “Valor” would be spelt “Valour”.
Good luck, I know nothing about raising babies, so I’ll just pray rather than offer advice 🙂
Love the new photo at the top of the blog. 🙂
It is overwhelming at first having a baby at home by yourself after surgery. I’ll call later today and maybe come by for a little while.
He is absolutely adorable!!! I am so happy for you guys!
I so know that feeling of being able to bring home your baby with you! I had to leave my oldest in the NICU for 7 weeks due to him being born 12 weeks early. It was so hard to see those other moms leave with their babies. I finally got to experience it with my youngest and it was amazing! I am so happy you got to have that as well!
Take care!
How beautiful is that little man!
I see much of the two of you in him, and I even think that he looks a tad like James!
Best wishes to recover from your surgery quickly and get to “mommy’ing”!
Rachael
Thank you! Thank you! I think what we were missing was not quantity of updates, but the Mommy point of view… no offense John. I love seeing those peepers too, what a cutie!!
Blessings on all of you from another fan via Cakewrecks. Have been re-reading Baby James’ precious story, and thinking that you are wonderful witnesses to God’s love for us. Thank you for allowing us to share your story.
Cathy, South Africa
I think Jared felt more bonded with Cora during the moments after her birth than I did — I remember just feeling sort of awestruck. I resonate wtih your comments about not feeling waves of love at first sight – I think it creeped in on me, with Cora, and has continued to do so.
Abby, you write with such honesty. Reading your thoughts and feelings is helpful and insightful for me, as I hope to be a mommy one day. Thanks for all the updates, I look for them every night. 🙂 Valor is such a precious baby boy! Praise Jesus!! Love you!
Funny, it was the same when my daughter was born…no love or bonding at first sight. I explained to my husband that I loved her in my head but not yet in my heart, if that makes sense. She may have been my baby but she was, for all intents and purposes, a total stranger. I feel crazy in love with her in the weeks after her birth and we bonded quite well. 🙂 Other moms look at me like I’m crazy and insist they instantly loved their newborns, so I’m glad there’s someone else out there like me! I’m so glad things are going well for you guys and hope you heal quickly and are able to get some rest! Loving the beautiful photos!
I’m loving the new graphic!
I’m also loving the idea of meeting Valor soon. 😉
Totally hear you on the importance of the wheelchair ride out of the hospital! When our son was born, after our special needs daughter, it was a whole new world! “Normal” sometimes felt very weird. We figured it out by the time our second daughter was born though! And you are doing fine! What a blessing! Give Valor hugs and kisses from all of us!
Congratulations on your healthy new addition! I loved reading about James, and I look forward to reading about Valor’s adventures.
Thank you for the posts and thinking of your fans! It’s amazing how many loved ones you and your family have…some you’ll never even meet!
Many many happy thoughts to you all.
He is BEAUTIFUL!!! I don’t know you but I’ve prayed so many times for your new little one to be here safe and healthy! So happy for you!
A friend of mine shared a link to your blog on sweet baby james and I came over here to leave a comment. What a surprise to find you with a newborn! Congratulations! I’m sure you are full of joy with your new baby boy, Valor. I was diagnosed 3 weeks ago today with a baby girl who has Alobar HPE. I am currently almost 19 weeks pregnant with our 8th baby. It is not an easy walk, but I am encouraged by your testimony with James. I am in Gainesville, FL and the doctors haven’t been very supportive of Kara’s diagnosis and what to do for her afterward. I would love to “talk” to you sometime via email when you’re up to it. Kara’s blog is sweetkarafaith.blogspot.com. Blessings to you and your family!
One day at a time 🙂
(changed my posting sig, too, since there’s another Ash on the board now!)
HE is beautiful and so are you. I love, love, love the picture of you leaving in the wheelchair. You can see the joy on both of your faces. The first few months with a newborn are so very difficult. Hang in there, pray and reach out for help when you need it.
What a beautiful, beautiful boy!
I don’t think bonding does happen instantly at birth for humans in the way that it does in the animal kingdom. Our children are not mobile so they don’t need that instant imprinting to keep them by our sides, the way ducklings do.
I think that having these little strangers thrust into our care reminds us that they *are* strangers to us, not ours but God’s, in our care for now but not ours to keep or control, and definitely not a part of us. I imagine that one of the great joys and terrors of parenting is the day you let them go and see whether or not you did a good job! Thankfully my oldest is only six so that day is a long way off…
CONGRATULATIONS!!!HE IS SO SWEET! I HOPE YOU ARE RECOVERING WELL AFTER YOUR C-SECTION. MINE WAS PRETTY TOUGH AFTER HANNAH. I HAD ALOTOF GAS THAT GOT IN ME AND IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO BREATH AND GET OUT OF BED.BUT EVERYTHING IS SO WORTH IT AFTER SEEING THE BLESSING THAT GOD HAS DONE. I AMSO HAPPY FOR YOU. ENJOY!
I want to come over and bite his butt!!!!! Oh, Abby, It’s just so, so wonderful. I got teary at the photo of you guys all leaving the hospital as a family. I get what an amazing thing that must have been for you. So…in about 7 months, three weeks, I’ll be doing the same!!!!! “It” worked and I’m going to get to wheel “someone” out of the hospital too!!!!!
I’ll call you soon when things settle down for you all and Parks and I will come squeeze the Big V 🙂
Congrats Abby and John! Valor is a sweet and beautiful baby (though I do miss James’ long, gorgeous lashes!) We are so happy you finally got the wheelchair ride you deserve. Best wishes to the family.
I Love the picture of you being pushed out of the hospital! What a victory… Thanks again for reminding me what’s truly important in life and to not take such small things for granted. Valor is such a beautiful baby. Enjoy every minute, he’ll grow up Way too fast!!
I feel like I must share, even though it’s not terribly deep or insightful:
I went to ask Google about “Valor Gjertsen” since I hadn’t seen the pictures yet. I typed “Valor Gjertse” (because our “n” key is sticking) and Google helpfully asked:
Did you mean Valor Gjertsen?
Google already knows about your new one! Tee hee!
I love reading your blog! It reminds me so much of our family. Do I ever relate to “over doing it!” It is so hard to pace yourself so that you can have enough energy. As incredibly excited and thankful as I was to be a mother, I was an exhausted wreck until my old country doctor told me to REST! “Baby Doll, if you were a cat, you’d be doing nothing but eating, sleeping, feeding the kittens and leaving the rat chasing to somebody else!” With that advise ringing in my ear, I went home and made a list of what I thought needed to get done. Then put a check by the ones that only I could do and began concentrating on making myself do only those things. If someone called and wanted to know if there was something they could do, I just gave them something off the list! They felt include and I got better when I quit trying to do it ALL. That was over 40 years ago. My house is clean now. (I don’t think people are still talking about how cluttered my house was when the babies where little. HA!)
Aw, Valor is a gorgeous baby, congrats!
I’m sure as time goes on you’ll get used to being with, as you say, a “normal” baby, though it will be hard work in it’s own way. Congratulations again!
Rejoincing with you continually!
Make that rejoicing with you continually!